Ah, This Journal Still Remains


 

While much of my journaling remains in logs unseen. I have reminded myself, that during this iteration of myself, I was sharing information with those that wanted to read.

I must admit, this iteration of myself has been…different, from each time I have reset my human form to create a new identity. For so long I had been used to going through the motions of living a human life, while researching as much as I can, trying to find even a crumb of a clue about Akio. Once the fact that I wasn’t aging would get too close to being recognized, I packed up, moved, and became a different person. Admittedly, I hadn’t really found any relevant clues for the almost 200 years I have been searching. For some reason, before assuming this identity, I had come across the notion of broadcasting yourself to a greater audience. And I saw how many non-humans were doing it. It seemed like a safe way to send a signal in hopes that my rarity would catch the eye of the other person like me.

Upon starting this way of trying to find clues, I was able to…make connections with others. Something I never did. I always made sure to keep myself cutoff, live the life I had in an area, and then left with no regrets. So, it was a different feeling opening up and making…friends. The sensation of interacting with others, that wasn’t a battle to the death, or trying to secretly prod out information, was refreshing. But what I didn’t anticipate, was realizing, the kind of feeling and impact I probably put on others as I changed identities and disappeared. Now I was the one seeing others disappear or disconnect. A surreal feeling, for sure, for a vampire used to being along wandering.

I don’t think quite understood the effect that was having on me. It wasn’t until she was gone, that I realized the effects of socialization and loss of socialization could have on oneself. 

How could I miss or be concerned of the part of me that I always struggled with? The alter Misa, that always fought to take control. But, once her manifestations slowly stopped appearing, and when forced manifestations, just did not occur, I realized that I had lost a part of me. Though it was a part of me that I fought with, it was still part of me. A part I had yet reconciled inside myself with. Was it because the vampire attacks increased since showing myself through broadcasting? Did I use too much of that side of me to protect myself, or was it something else?

Nevertheless, it is concerning. With increased encounters with hostile vampires, there is an increased risk of falling prey. While I have been able to keep them at bay and take care of them without reverting to my alter form. What would happen if I couldn’t manifest her out, and an enemy was too much for my normal form? It’s a though that has been on my mind a lot.

It seems I didn’t weigh the risks that I might encounter when I exposed myself in an effort to reach out to a brother I don’t know is really out there.

It’s been some time now; I still haven’t found an ounce of a clue that he is out there. Risking myself more than I usually do, hasn’t given me the information I was hoping for, rather it has started to increase the despair that maybe the reality is that…he isn’t out there.

If Alter won’t manifest herself, maybe she is gone as well. If he isn’t there to be found, then, have I lost the only thing that I had been connected to?

I push myself every day, hoping that she’d return. That more eyes would appear and one of them would be that hope of a reunification of a lost family member. How is it that I long for a part of me I had wrestled with for so long, that I wished would go away, but now feel an emptiness as that dark side seems to have faded away. 

Maybe it's because she was all I had, even if it was just a dark manifestation of deep-rooted feelings.

Father once said that vampires were creatures of great slumbers. I always thought that was silly as a young vampire. I didn’t understand why a mighty creature such as a vampire would want to take decades, to century long slumbers. But as I grow wearier, I think I understand why vampires do that.


If I slumber, maybe my images and visions of what a reunion would look like, could come true, even if in a long dream.


But…I know that, that would just be giving up.


I see them in my dreams.




art: kurokeiki, Voxnya, snerplues



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