An Altered State

 

Although I spend the majority of the time in me neutral state, that is Misa with the duality of having both human and vampire ancestry, along with my human form during the day to blend into human society. There is form a Misa that I haven't touched on in these journals much. My altered state, as I like to call it.

In a neutral state, I am the Misa that I have shared with everyone. Using my ability to shape shift and alter my DNA, I suppress the vampiric DNA to switch over to my human form. This allows me to live a relatively peaceful life during the day. I assume a human identity and live among humans while I also look for clues for my missing brother, Akio. But at night, the peace is disrupted. Vampires stir and every once in a while, when I am out especially, they seem to find me. In most cases, it's just a turned vampire who was looking for their next meal, most likely didn't know that I was a Daywalker and in my neutral state can take them out quite easily. 

But, on occasion, it's a noble vampire that crosses paths with me. More than likely due to their special abilities to read mines, or strong sense of smell, to notice my presence. In these cases, my neutral form is not enough, as noble vampires are quite strong, and depending upon their lineage, skillset, and age, can easily best Misa in a fight. On such occasion, another form must be brought out to deal with these vampires and to protect myself, since, as stated before, Daywalkers are considered low on the vampire hierarchy as well as seen as rare blood to be taken. When a vampire like this appears and picks a fight, I have to switch to the form I least like to be in, as my control over it is not good and, due to all the things that have happened in my past, seems to let those emotions take over.

I like to call her Misa Alter. As it's almost as if my personality alters to another person in a way. When I shift over to this form, I feel myself losing control and almost falling asleep as this other personality takes over. Just like with my human form, I'm able to go into my full vampiric form by shapeshifting and altering my DNA to suppress my human DNA. This allows me to gain far more vampiric strength and in a sense power up as my strength, speed, senses, and skills heighten in this mode. With my heightened abilities I can easily take out a noble vampire.

But, while in this state, my personality is off. I'm ruthless and violent towards my foe. I'm arrogant to those around me, and my temper is short. I'm short sighted and become obsessed with what I'm focused on. It's like the kind and happy Misa is suppressed into the darkness as this colder and vengeful Misa takes over and enjoys the thrill of the fight. It's a battle of the conscious state to try to regain control of my body and suppress this altered state of mind. I haven't lost the battle to eventually take back control because thankfully this personality is fueled by blood consumption and usually there aren't endless bodies around for her to consume to keep the form going and keep me from taking back my original self.  If one were to ask how long this altered state resides, I couldn't give a definite time but would rather say around ten minutes after a fight concludes, I'm usually able to regain control. But, in the case there was more than one vampire or blood source for consumption, then it because tougher and it could take half an hour of resisting before I can gain back control. 

What makes it all the more difficult, is that there is also, what I would describe, as a berserk mode to this altered state. Which seems to be triggered if rather, I myself, consume too much blood in one sitting or when Altered Misa consumes blood while in battle. In this state, it's like I'm a wild animal. There is no thinking but fighting and consuming blood. I go on a rampage towards whatever target is before me and try to tear them to pieces, there doesn't seem to be an awareness of who or what is friend or foe at that time. The silver lining to it, at least, is this state of being has very short lifespan and typically only appear when fighting a very strong foe, such as an ancient noble, older noble vampire, or some other foe that is highly formidable. The form seems to last for part of the fight and so far, has lasted enough to weaken the foe enough that when powering down back to Altered Misa, is enough to defeat the foe.

But I worry each time that I regain consciousness from being in a berserk and altered state, what would happen if I couldn't regain control? What would happen if I hurt unintended targets, such as innocent people. And, now that I have friends that I care for, what If I hurt them as well?

Unfortunately, full vampire mode is a form that I never quite mastered or got the chance to. I learned of my ability to shift into this form when I was young, and my mother and father were trying their best to help me take control of it. Back when I was young, mainly I just was more aggressive and bloodthirsty when I went into this form. Father had said that's because that's the nature of vampires and because in my neutral form I have DNA that can kind of balance out the true nature of vampiric DNA, I didn't have those tendencies. But when I shift off my human DNA it's like my body has to relearn as I shift on DNA that has embedded in it, violence and bloodlust. It was hard for father to really help me master this because it was a unique skill to Daywalkers, and in particular a true Daywalker like myself. It was mainly my father who was trying to teach me because he was a noble vampire and one that was docile and nature and figured he could help me control that side of myself. Plus, my mother didn't change to her vampire side that often so she would often try to learn along with me! My father had spent time going to ancient vampire literature to try to find strategies as well as right before his passing he had the intention to seek out with mother other Daywalkers if possible, to see if they had recommendations.

But, when I was younger, I really wouldn't have described my full vampire form as Misa alter. Simply being a little more aggressive and bloodthirsty didn't fit what my current form is. I noticed this shift start happening after my mother had died and I've come to realize why Misa Alter exists. I think she is a representation of the dark repressed feelings that I have due to the horrible experiences I have had in my life because of vampires. I know deep inside I have a loathing for the pain they have caused towards me and my family. They caused my father to die, my mother to die, and my younger brother to go missing. Not to mention, hearing how my mother had been treated as a slave in her past for being a Daywalker. I also have a repressed distain or the fact that I'm considered nothing but a trash on the totem pole of vampire hierarchy, and worst of all, just a rare sport treat that every vampire is out to obtain due to my rare blood. Moreover, the fear that resides in my heart that I have to live with each day of if someone will find out my identity and whether or not I will have to fight for my life to a vampire attack at any given moment of an evening when I go out. And admittedly, in the back of my mind there is a part of me that does think that I am better than those vampires. I've never once been fatally wounded by any, I can walk in the sun, and anti-vampiric objects don't hurt me. Why should I be considered so low when I have such an advantage?

I think all of these repressed feelings that were suppressed deep in my heart, created an altered personality that lives these feelings on their shoulders, and is why Alter Misa exists. Her personality fits these hidden feelings when she appears. She is arrogant, especially towards vampires, and vocally makes it know that she believes she should be at the top of the hierarchy, she has no fear of vampires at all, but if she can seek them out when she appears. And her nature is very ruthless towards vampires and violent. Any that cross her path, generally don't live another day and end up dying a quite painful death. And the only reason any would be spared, is if they swore true loyalty to her and her obsessive quest to become the top vampire. 

It should be noted, that, Misa Alter uses her shapeshifting abilities to alter her clothes when she appears. She finds me to be too much of a 'weakling' and doesn't like to have the same appearance. It was also Alters idea to carry the different set of kodachi swords. I had planned on using my set that my mother had given me, the ones with the red hilt. But at some point, Alter had decided to switch one of them with Akio's set. This is why I and alter have a red and blue kodachi set. 

When we were younger, mother wanted us to have silver bladed weapons as extra protection. Although she herself was good with the sword, at the time she though the shorter kodachi blades would fit her children better. She had two sets made for us. I got the red hilted set, and my brother the blue set. My kodachi is actually rather worn because I have been using them since I received them. Akio's on the other hand, he was too young to start using them before he went missing and mother kept his set while we traveled around, in hopes to one day give them to him. Even though he was too young to use them he looked at them every day and was exited and obsessed with them. He would even play with them and get in trouble for doing so since mother said it wasn't his time to learn them. Alter took it on herself once mother had passed away to switch out one of the kodachi for Akio's. She has an obsessive nature to find Akio and is the only area where we both can agree on and wanted to carry one of his in hopes that it would help lead to him. So, this is why one kodachi is more worn out than the other. 

On that matter, on rare occasions, we do talk to each other. It doesn't happen often, and only has happened a few times. A few times spoken to me while she is "repressed" and a few times I have spoken to her when i was "repressed". Neither of us knows what triggers it and the conversations are usually argumentative, unless the topic of Akio appears. Then we seem to be on the same page. But other than that, the conversations are short, usually both saying that they should be the one in charge, and that the other one is doing things the wrong way. It's usually not a pleasant conversation and lasts but a few minutes at most. 

I'm sure I'm missing things out, but it's hard to write about a personality that you can't quite remember because it's like you lose consciousness when they take control and when you gain back control, you only remember but so much. Maybe one day I'll be able to control my full vampiric state better and maybe Alter won't be much of an alter. But, finding a way to do that, I've have yet to figure out on my own.

I leave this journal entry with one final thought. I wouldn't put it past Misa Alter to write her own. I don't think she is much of a novelist, but I think if it's ever the case she can stay in control long enough, because she is competitive against me, she'd probably want to write an entry in her own words as well...

*~ An Altered State: Misa's Perspective - End ~*

Credit: Art by @snerplues (Ibiss)